This article originally appeared in Paintball News, July/August, 2003, and is reprinted with permission of the author.

AUTHOR�S NOTE: Seems like things just don�t change, but they stay the same!

"Puleeze give mY tEAm some STUFF! wE'RE a really cool bunch of guys - even if we DON't use any of the cRaP u mak. We're gonna be playin in R first turney real SOON and U WANT 2 sponzur us cuz we R gonna win! OK. Thanks."

Can you imagine having to read tens to hundreds of these things EVERY day of the week? Not to mention the fact that the original e-mail that the previous example was (loosely) based upon did not have a valid return e-mail address. Even if I was remotely interested in doing something for this 'kid' - I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to do so.

For over a year now I've worked for a company which actively participates in industry sponsorship programs. We provide prize packages, services, support and other forms of help to events in the industry that request it. We sponsor a few teams fairly decently because they are friends AND have a good tournament track record, which means that 'the crap we make' gets showcased. We always try to help out with any reasonable request.

This is of course, not the only experience with sponsorship that I have had. I've owned other companies that provided sponsorship, I've had to obtain sponsorship for events I've run, and I've been on the hunt myself, looking for support for the various teams I've managed or played for. And been pretty successful at it.

I've also read the various articles that have been printed over the years which promise to help new teams find cool ways to get sponsorship, what they can expect, what sponsors are looking for and all the rest. However, none of them have told you what NOT to do. So, forthwith and posthaste, the paintballer's guide on HOW NOT TO GET SPONSORSHIP.

First and foremost, beg, and beg often. The sponsors you don't hear back from within a reasonable period of time are the ones you want to try and contact the most. Send them email DEMANDING that they respond to your inquiry. Threaten them with seeking sponsorship from one of their competitors if they 'don't give you stuff'.

If and when you do get a response, you have one of several options. If the sponsor makes you an offer, tell them in no uncertain terms that since its taken so long to hear from them, and since they make crap anyway, you've found other sponsors. Then, somewhere between 24 and 48 hours after you've sent that response, send them a copy of your original inquiry and start the whole thing all over again. Eventually they'll get the message.

If they inform you that they can't help you out, inform them that you will begin the anti-(their company/their products) campaign, telling all of your friends not to buy your crap. Then 24 to 48 hours after you've sent that response, send them a copy of your original inquiry and start the whole thing all over again. Eventually they'll get the message.

Second, sponsors have no clue when it comes to the use of language, spelling or grammar. They really enjoy spending an hour trying to decipher your hieroglyphics, only to find out that six pages of random capital dispersion, sideways smiley-faces, one-thousand exclamation points and spelling that would make a Pentium III shut down when spellchecking it amounts to 'please sponsor my team'. So salt it up. Always, always, always use a 'Z' in place of an 'S'. Never, ever, ever type the silent 'E' at the end of a word. Don't write in complete sentences (sponsors only read the first half of a sentence anyway�). Make sure that your content is 90 percent totally unrelated to the topic at hand, and that the 10 percent relating to sponsorship is buried deep within the BS.

Next, make damn sure that the potential sponsor knows EVERYTHING about you and your team. Everyone's full name, including nickname. How old they are. How many more months until they get their driver's permit. What equipment they use. What grade they are in - or hope to be in next year. Who they've played for before. What size underwear they wear, and whether they are boxers, briefs or thongs. (If so-and-so doesn't wear underwear, tell them that too: it just might be your ticket to a picture on the cover of a magazine�) What fields you've played at. Why you DON'T use various other products. How the potential sponsor can improve their products. What YOU can do to HELP the potential sponsor improve their products. The organization of your team: how many 'sniper specialists' you have, how much paint your 'shooters' go through in a game. Give them detail on how much like a military outfit your team is, complete with salutes, and ranks and even KP duty.

Mention the family. Tell them about how you've arranged for all the parents to sponsor the team by establishing a weekly car-pool to the playing field. Tell them about your 90 year old grandmother who sponsors you by sewing all your patches and rank insignia on your uniforms. Talk about the guy next door who gave you five dollars to cut the lawn, and who's dog sponsored you with an honorary team turd.

When mentioning the equipment that your team uses, be extra careful that you DO NOT include anything that is manufactured, distributed or sold by the sponsor you are applying to. Nothing, but nothing pisses a sponsor off more than finding out that you already use their stuff! What can they possibly sell you if you're already using it?

In fact, your best approach is to mention how much you really like a competitors product, but that the competitor made you pay full price and you'd be willing to switch to something not quite as good if you can get it for free. This provides the potential sponsor with the opportunity to 'convince' you (by sending free stuff) that their stuff is as good or better than the stuff you're currently using.

Another good thing to include is your team's complete and utter lack of experience with competitive play. Sponsors are always talking about how the industry needs new players. By presenting yourselves as a new team, you'll play to this need. Make sure that you mention that you have never, ever played in a tournament yet, but that you will be playing in Billy Bob's Two-Team tournament Behind His Barn next weekend, AND that you expect to win, since, in your vast and long term experience with tournament play, you know that your players are far better than any old fart that's been winning for years.

Explain in very simple terms that you understand that the top tournament teams all cheat to win and that you guys are fully willing and able to do the same. In fact, tell them that you NEED their sponsorship for the political clout they can provide when it comes time to fix games.

Make sure that you also include an advertising and marketing plan. This can be something as simple as promising the sponsor a banner with their name on it, followed by the legend "Crappy Stuff but Lots of Clout", or a more complex plan, such as the fact that Little Jimmy from next door is going to start to play next weekend and doesn't have any product yet. This will lead the sponsor to the obvious conclusion that if they give YOU free stuff, Little Jimmy will BUY stuff from them.

If you are under the legal age for signing contracts, make sure that mommy or daddy includes a note along with your request for sponsorship. Mom or Dad should really lay it on thick, explaining to the sponsor that if the sponsor doesn't help their child out, their child will not be able to continue to play paintball. Mom and Dad should also seed their note with lots of spelling and grammatical errors, so that the sponsor becomes convinced that you really do need help and will develop feelings of sympathy and pity for you.

Make a firm proposal to the sponsor. Some of the best deals are of the buy-some, get-some-free type. Explain to the sponsor that since you have ten players on the team, you'll buy one gun for every nine they give you. Also be sure to add that since a guy you know owns a paintball store, you can always sell the free guns to the store for cash.

The other kind of deal that is very popular among sponsors is the 'special pricing' issue. This lets you purchase product for a 'sponsored' price. If this is the kind of deal your team is looking for, make sure to ask for pricing that is 'ten percent below cost'. This will allow your potential sponsor to post a loss, which they can write off against their taxes at the end of the year, and will allow you to provide yet another benefit to your sponsorship partner.

You will also probably want to ask for financial support for things like entry fees, airline tickets, hotel and rental car fees. If you are going to go this route, make sure to explain to the sponsor that you will be entering multiple teams into each event you are attending. The sponsor can then take advantage of volume discounts when paying your way, and will end up saving even MORE when it comes to tax time.

It might also help to line up a well-known name and use that to generate support. Something along the lines of "Little Joey once talked to Bob Long at an event and has an autographed poster of him" or "Sam Jones - our bestest SNIPER (he has a 27 inch long barrel on a really cool LP gun) - got a email from OH right before we sent this letter out." (And it doesn't have to be Oh that the email came from, so long as someone in Ohio sent it�) Sponsorship is largely an old-boys network, so if you can convince the sponsor that, even though he's never heard of you, Bob, or Oh, or Todd, or Pete DO know you, so its okay to send you some stuff.

You could of course, take an alternate approach, which has the added virtue of standing out from the crowd. I've only personally received a few of these. In sponsor-speak, its known as the 'reverse-psychology ploy: "Dear Sirs, My team and I could really care less about sponsorship, but since it seems to be the thing to do, and since we're all very sensitive to peer pressure and don't want to stand out in a crowd, we're asking for sponsorship. Don't know exactly what it is or how it works and don't really care. If it weren't for the fact that every other company has rejected our offer to be a sponsored team for them, we wouldn't even be writing to you."

Or, you can try the ballsy route: "We just sent a press release to all the paintball publications announcing the sponsorship deal that we and you just signed. Yes, we know you don't know anything about it. We're telling you that you are sponsoring us. You can deny it and we'll trash your name and tell everyone how you misled and lied to us, or you can spend a few measley dollars to shut us up. Your choice."

The best route to go though, would be for you to save yourself an enormous amount of time and trouble and simply print out the following statement, tack it to a wall or the refrigerator and read it every time you think about applying:

"Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately our company is unable to do anything for your team at this time."

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